Friday, October 21, 2005

times changing.

It's funny how fast things really change.
It just seems like, around graduation time my life was PERFECT. Just everything was great. And then BAM! My life is falling apart. I am not achieving the goals I had set for myself. I am trying hard to but I am too exhausted, they just seem unrealistic now. I work Tuesday through Saturday for what seems like no money at all. I have classes Monday through Friday, then RCIA every Sunday morning at 8... I get no sleep. I have totally given up on my passion and love for dance and pageants. I just can't afford the dresses, lessons, or entry fees. I can't afford anything. I couldn't even afford gas to get to NY for fall break.
Sometimes I just wonder, why is all this happening to me? My family is going in debt now because of all this. My poor grandpa is going insane. I just can't believe, all that I went through last summer and overcoming that, just puts me back in the same place. Sad. I mean, how many people that I care about have to die??? Seriously, why is God doing this to me? I try to think to the positive side so much, and I pray all the time and I just don't understand why. It seems like the most awful people get everything they want out of life. I just doesn't understand. Did I do something wrong?? Today my grandpa called me phone. I thought maybe she passed away. And then I was like NO please! But then I thought, well she'd be done suffering. I just felt so sick thinking about it. He says that my grandma isn't responding to anything. She can't even sit up in a chair. Everything she says makes no sense. And it makes me so sad. I am happy that I got to talk to her last week though and she told me she loved me. She just sounded so out of breathe. This is awful.

I am going insane in school. Some teachers think that we only have one class, and that is their class. Psycology is going to kill me. I got an A on the first exam, but I completley bombed the last one. So I Have to make A's on the next two to get a B I think? I am still hoping that maybe I can get an A. I'm trying so hard to get an A in all my classes. I just feel so exhausted and I think that is where I am getting all my migranes for.

phone is ringing

Sunday, September 18, 2005

sad weekend

well friday was spent all day & night at airports and in the air. It is cool to fly at night time looks like you are flying right past the moon. Well I finally get to my gma's and of course she is asleep bc it's 11 something their time. well me and my grandpa stayed up until like 1 am talking. I felt so bad.. I gave him my new CD and one of the songs was "You're Still the One" from Shania Twain and I didn't know but that was one of his and grandma's songs and I felt so bad because he started crying. and he kept being sad and I was trying to cheer him up but I didn't know what to say. yea so night one was definatley depressing.

I wake up early Saturday to give my mom a break so she can sleep in and i do the dishes and clean up the g-parents house a little bit and get ready for the big cook out we were having for my gma. Well we get a letter in the mail. It was from Mr. G, the owner of Meals on Wheels. See, my grandma was the president or something like that of the meals on Wheels in south buffalo. Well, we got this letter that said effective immediatley it was no longer South Buffalo Meals on Wheels site it was officially the Donna Kubiak Meals on Wheels of South Buffalo. it was very touching and we all gathered in a circle and cried. Later on everyone got there and we had a good time. It was just really sad bc I could tell my grama was in a lot of pain but if she takes her pain medicine it makes her go to sleep so she was trying to not take the pills so she could visit with everyone. She is so weak. It was hard to see her like that. I wished that God would have given me the cancer instead of her because she IS suffering now and she doesn't deserve that. I went upstairs and cried, collected myself and came back upstairs. my grama finally said she couldn't take it and took her pills and went to bed at 7. I visited w/ family and went to bed a little early after cleaning up after everyone.

Today was just.. awful. I talked to my grama before I left. And I'm sure that was the last time I'll see her. She told me she was proud of me and that I had turned into a talented and beautiful lady. and that she was just SO proud of me. She asked me to pray that God would just hurry up and take her because she is tired of suffering and I don't wanna let go but I DON'T want her to hurt anymore. I'm just really struggling with this. I can't take all of this. I can't believe it.. I know my grama isn't going to make it to fall break. and honestly I don't know if I want her to or not because I don't want her to suffer. She is just hurting so bad. I'm just scared.

The good news is I have the greatest friends of all who are always here to talk to me if I needed to talk. and a wonderful boyfriend who is always trying to make me look to the positive side.My friend Mike Jewel was talking to me about my whole situation. He is the sweetest person ever. He's always there to talk to me. and to try and cheer my up. He sent me this song to make me feel better. In it it says :

Let's say take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep remindingI
f it's the only thing I ever do
I will always lov
eI will always love you
Yes you

I thought that was really sweet. But I really need to do my homework and call my cutie!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

2 months

Yesterday we got word that the doctor told my grandma she only had 2 more months to live. I am going INSANE trying to figure things out about what I am going to do. I fly out next Friday after class only to return Sunday night. I guess my biggest fear is her dying and me not being able to make it there because of college. Which, I WILL be going to her funeral bc I'm the one who is wanted to speak there and I WILL do that for my grandma. I'm just worried that some of my teachers won't be that understanding and I'll get bad grades or something. My Music Appreciation teacher especially. He seems like a big jerk. I guess I can always withdraw from his classes if he tells me I can't go. He seems like that type of person. Today he talked about how someone's brother "suddenly dropped dead" and he didn't know if they were able to perform at the next music concert. What a morbid thing to say.

Anyways, I'm still praying for my grandma. It's really hard on the family. All in all, I know God has to take her sooner or later so I hope she doesn't suffer and she at least goes peacefully. It's just hard to imagine my life without her. Like on my wedding day or when my first child is to be born. It makes me sad because she never got to become a great grandma and she's still so young. Only 60 something. You're not old until you hit 90 haha. Oh well, I'm trying not to think about it too much because it makes me too sad.

School is going good. I have my first test Friday! It's in Algebra! I think I'll do pretty good. It still seems like highschool to me in many ways. I love my English class! I have so many friends in that class from highschool. And it was a total accident. It's pretty excellent. And I'd honestly have to say my English teacher by far is my favorite! And I'm not just saying that !!

I wish I would win the lottery for 60 million $ ! I would still go to college even if I did. I'm completly rambling now so I'm going to get off here.-

Monday, August 29, 2005


well today was my very first full day of college! yay!

i am starting this blog to get some extra credit in english(whoop whoop) and journal my college experinces!

So... today was a good day. I went to English, Music Appreciation, and Algebra. So far so good. I am glad college is going so well for me. But I didn't get to see Steven because he got out of his class early and didn't listen when I said wait. But I guess I can't blame him. He's a guy. They don't listen very well. Friday is me and Steven's 2 yr and 6 mon anniversary!

Anyways, I need to leave bc i scheduled a out of order class for Mon (APSU 1000) and it starts at 1:25!