Sunday, September 18, 2005

sad weekend

well friday was spent all day & night at airports and in the air. It is cool to fly at night time tho..it looks like you are flying right past the moon. Well I finally get to my gma's and of course she is asleep bc it's 11 something their time. well me and my grandpa stayed up until like 1 am talking. I felt so bad.. I gave him my new CD and one of the songs was "You're Still the One" from Shania Twain and I didn't know but that was one of his and grandma's songs and I felt so bad because he started crying. and he kept being sad and I was trying to cheer him up but I didn't know what to say. yea so night one was definatley depressing.

I wake up early Saturday to give my mom a break so she can sleep in and i do the dishes and clean up the g-parents house a little bit and get ready for the big cook out we were having for my gma. Well we get a letter in the mail. It was from Mr. G, the owner of Meals on Wheels. See, my grandma was the president or something like that of the meals on Wheels in south buffalo. Well, we got this letter that said effective immediatley it was no longer South Buffalo Meals on Wheels site it was officially the Donna Kubiak Meals on Wheels of South Buffalo. it was very touching and we all gathered in a circle and cried. Later on everyone got there and we had a good time. It was just really sad bc I could tell my grama was in a lot of pain but if she takes her pain medicine it makes her go to sleep so she was trying to not take the pills so she could visit with everyone. She is so weak. It was hard to see her like that. I wished that God would have given me the cancer instead of her because she IS suffering now and she doesn't deserve that. I went upstairs and cried, collected myself and came back upstairs. my grama finally said she couldn't take it and took her pills and went to bed at 7. I visited w/ family and went to bed a little early after cleaning up after everyone.

Today was just.. awful. I talked to my grama before I left. And I'm sure that was the last time I'll see her. She told me she was proud of me and that I had turned into a talented and beautiful lady. and that she was just SO proud of me. She asked me to pray that God would just hurry up and take her because she is tired of suffering and I don't wanna let go but I DON'T want her to hurt anymore. I'm just really struggling with this. I can't take all of this. I can't believe it.. I know my grama isn't going to make it to fall break. and honestly I don't know if I want her to or not because I don't want her to suffer. She is just hurting so bad. I'm just scared.

The good news is I have the greatest friends of all who are always here to talk to me if I needed to talk. and a wonderful boyfriend who is always trying to make me look to the positive side.My friend Mike Jewel was talking to me about my whole situation. He is the sweetest person ever. He's always there to talk to me. and to try and cheer my up. He sent me this song to make me feel better. In it it says :

Let's say take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep remindingI
f it's the only thing I ever do
I will always lov
eI will always love you
Yes you

I thought that was really sweet. But I really need to do my homework and call my cutie!

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